Dear Angel,
I’m sorry my messages to you have been scarce. But I know you know I’ve been thinking about you and missing you every day. You know I wish nothing but happiness and joy for you, wherever you are.
I can’t believe it’s been five years since. For me, the amount of pain, this silent but excruciating pain, is beyond anything this world can comprehend. This pain eludes time, words, and any and all concepts that people, or at least I, can understand. How can I measure it by time when I can remember the day I found out so vividly but can’t remember the year or the date or what the fuck was going in my life then? How do I explain that I ricochet back and forth between being content with possibly being on my own for the rest of my life and being ready to date again, while other days I feel ready to jump just to be with you? How can I explain this pain when no string of words could ever articulate any of it? How can the world be made to understand this loss when only an unfairly minuscule portion of it got to know you? How can the world be made to understand when there are no means of doing so?
I thought that I would cry writing this to you. But this pain, hurts in different ways. Some days it makes me cry, some days it stews misery, some days it makes me want to be with you so bad it scares me, and some days it gives me hope to keep living until we’re reunited naturally. Today, it is a numbing truth serum.
I don’t know if you know but I thought that if I were ever to end up with somebody, it would've been you. Of course I never told you that. And I never told anyone else. We never dated, our interest in each other was brief and never went anywhere, and our timings were never right. But I just thought, some spiritual part of me thought, we’d somehow end up in each other’s lives again after high school. And that didn't’ change when we were on the other side of the world and we didn't talk much. Something in me really believed that we would find our way back to each other one day. I know it sounds crazy but that’s why I didn’t share it back then. It would’ve sounded much crazier then. I think a lot of people might call me a liar or an attention-seeker saying this but it’s my truth that I silently held onto. I still do.
I wish I could find out how you feel about all of that. I hope your visits to my dreams are your way of telling me. I miss you so much. But I just want you to know that I am strong enough to keep missing you and enduring this pain. And it’s because I figured out the worst part of it: there is no bottom. Some days I feel like giving up but I never do and never will. As much as I just want to be with you, Angel, I know that I can’t yet and I know that you know too. I have to be here. I have things I have to do and people I have to care for.
No matter how unimaginably painful the bad days get, there is never a day where I wish I could forget you so it would all go away. I think of you everyday because I refuse to forget you. I wish I could’ve been a part of your life more when you were here but now, you are part of me for the rest of mine.
I love and miss you so much. So many people do.
And I’m sure you do us too.
See you soon.
Sincerely,
Image by K From the Mountain.
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