Dear 2020 Me,
Honestly, I kind of forgot I wrote these to myself ever year because this year, I’ve been putting off intentional reflections. All my reflections happened either forcefully, or naturally without me realizing; that’s how busy, eventful, and stressful this year has been. I was spread thin.
This year I faced so many unexpected challenges that were the ‘norm’ for a pandemic, but still monumentally regardless. I lost my job working with/for the Tokyo 2020 Olympics after the postponement due to the coronavirus. My mom had to stay with my grandpa and me for 9 months because she couldn’t go back. I’ve been working from home since March. I lost my great uncle suddenly and we couldn’t go to his funeral. And of course, though unrelated to the pandemic, my grandpa had to get stitches after cutting his lip shaving literally a year (to the date) after he fractured his back. Seeing that insane amount of blood was like the last kick 2020 wanted to give us…
Among all of that, I had to navigate existing between my polarizing internal conflicts:
- Missing and yearning for my life back in Sydney but being glad I can here in Japan for and with my grandpa
- Wanting to live my life but realizing that that can happen only if I no longer take care of my grandpa, which is when he is no longer of this physical world even though I definitely want him to be around for as long as possible
- Trying to give myself fully to the care of my grandpa without abandoning and losing myself
- Being grateful to have family but knowing I thrive better when we are distanced from each other
2020 was a fallen year. It was depressing, it was bleak, and it was trying. But at the end of it, at least I am still here. My family is still here. My friends are still here. My loved ones are still here and they have their health. For all of this I am so grateful and so fucking blessed. These things are more than many can say. And even though these are seemingly unexciting blessings that are definitely not new, it goes to show I had what I needed and what was most important to me all along.
And through the strife, I fell in love with the Universe all over again. She continues to look out for me. I can feel her. She listens to me. She protects me and looks over me. She lets me know of her magic through her sun rays, through the beautiful moon, through the light winter air, through the gorgeous fluttering butterflies, and through so much more. I never know for sure what her plans are but I am certain her intentions are true, pure, and good. My connection to her was the biggest driving force and strength that pushed me, even carried me, through this year. So once again, I am so insanely grateful. To her, I want to say thank you.
Plus if it's any consolation, it wasn't the worst year of my life. While this may be a relatively small accomplishment, it still is a grand one. I will never go back to the hellish years of 2016 and 2017.
Just like this letter, my mind was all over the place day in and day out. 2020 was a fallen year and I fell along with it. It stripped me of so much. But here I am: still thinking, still trying, and still living.
In 2021, I will gather all of what I lost and rebuild once again. In 2021, I rise.
Sincerely,
Image by K From the Mountain.
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