Dear 2018 Me,
Holy shit, I am so proud of you. After the horrible, borderline traumatizing years that 2016 and 2017 were, what you made of 2018 is a proof to your strength and who you are as a person. You should be so proud of yourself.
2018 began with a break up, a much-needed one that honestly should’ve happened way earlier than it did. But as hard as it was to finally get out of that situation, you did it. The strength it took to leave an extremely unhealthy and albeit comfortable environment was exactly the right tone to set for your year ahead. It goes to show when you have selfish, toxic people in your life who pretend to care for you but are ultimately using you for their own happiness, advantage, or whatever, you lose yourself. And you lost yourself for two whole years, two whole years you will never get back. Two whole years you could’ve spent deepening the relationships that were important to you, being a positive light to those you cared for, and nourishing who you are as a person. You will likely hold this regret and battle with forgiving yourself for wasting your time and theirs for a very long time. But remember to find peace that that two years could’ve very easily turned into three, or four, a marriage, a lifetime. The fact that you got out when you did shows strength. Be proud of that. Cutting that person, that history, that life out of your new one brought back the real you after being absent for two years when it could’ve been much longer, so much longer you might’ve never come back.
With that relationship and every baggage that came with it that weighed you down for so long gone, you soared. You got to go home, reunite with your friends and family, the surest things in your life. You got to go to Japan and spend time with your Grandpa, one of the most important people in your life and the person you look up to most, and take him to your brother’s destination wedding and see real, healthy, nurturing, lasting love. All of this love made you so truly happy and you realised you weren’t happy at all the past couple of years. You thought you were because you were told you were supposed to be but that’s not how feelings work. You got to learn this valuable lesson from these people who are permanent to you, and you them, in every way this temporary life is. You learned that these are the type of people you want, need, in your life. And thanks to them, you were happy that after such a long time, you finally got yourself back.
Then you started a new chapter in Sydney, where for the first time I was no longer a student and no longer in a relationship. It was lonely at the start but refreshing because it was about time you put myself first. So you found a job with two months of returning at an internationally renowned tourist location and met some of the funniest, craziest, and friendly bunch of people. They quickly became friends and how fucking great it was to be surrounded by people who genuinely wanted the best for you, who would listen to all of your meaningless dramas and significant problems, who would work through stupid work-problems together, who would spend an innocent night out playing put-put golf and turn it into a boozy one at a gay club! Fun, as simple as that word is, is exactly what this amazing group of people were.
But your year wasn’t without hardship. You had a family member facing the worst time of their life. You had to work through some of the hardest things you’ve ever had to to help them. It brought you two closer. It opened the rest of your family’s minds. It was more than half a year’s worth of working together, listening, planning, and so much more and it’s still going on but they’re now at a better place than before. And that is progress.
This also reminded you of the person you want to be: kind, honest, reliable, loyal. You weren’t able to be those things not too long ago. Each lesson you’ve learn since ending that relationship, every person who’s impacted you in a positive way, every time you’ve laughed or were happy, you remembered just how delusional you were back then to think that that was real happiness when in fact, you were more miserable than you’ve ever been and hopefully ever will be. That is growth in your character, that is you moving on, and that is you well and truly becoming the person you want to be.
You also had a new addition to your family come in. This new life has already taught you a new type of love so strong and one you’ve never experienced before. For this bundle of blessing, it became clearer how important it was to be true to yourself and work hard to be the person you want to be.
You’ve also had a handful of highlights happen:
- You got closer to your housemates and even attended their wedding!
- You went to P!NK’s Sydney concert
- You became a supervisor at a second job that you enjoy
- You met up with two of your first-year uni friends you hadn’t seen in 4-5 years
- You got to see the Sydney Harbour Bridge New Years fireworks
Now you’re working towards getting a TEFL qualification and hoping to make a big career and life change within the year. The prospect of making a huge move is a constant back and forth between scary and exhilarating. But after everything you’ve accomplished in 2018, you’re ready.
In 2018, you compared a lot of your new life to your old, who you are to who you were, what was happening to what had happened. A lot of people might say that that’s an unhealthy way to live, which may be right to a certain extent. But the reality is, you had to compare those things to see how fulfilling life can be if you have the right people in your life, if you believe in yourself and have people do the same, if you stick to your core values, and if you continuously strive to be a good person, to learn, and to grow.
I can barely remember what happened in 2016 and 2017 because I think a part of me doesn’t want to and has worked so hard to forget the worst years of my life. But 2018 is a year I will never forget. It was the year I turned my life around. And 2019, who knows? But I’m so excited to find out.
2017, it was “thank fuck it’s over”. 2018 it was “thank you for everything”. 2019, we’ll see.
Sincerely,
Image by K From the Mountain.
